I have to admit. The kids and I had a really tough week with each other. I had a lot of worries about life stuff and I was very inwardly upset that I didn’t get to say goodbye to my parents. They were finally visiting after 1.5 years and because of the traveling distance with the kids and hubby’s work schedule; I decided not to go see them one last time. So the start of this week was pretty ugly. A lot of my feelings and frustrations spilled over to my parenting skills and let’s just say…. I am not proud of some things I did or said. I know I shouted too much and too loud. I was a crabby patty over every single thing such as the messes, whining and tantrums. I was irritable to the max. And worse of all, I resorted to spanking several times (still feeling remorseful because I DO NOT like doing it). This is the bad and ugly side of me.
Before I had kids, I only heard of the “good” stuff of raising a kid. That they’re insanely adorable and funny, all the cutesy outfits you can dress them in, all the fun you’ll have, etc. But NO ONE ever told me parenting was going to be this hard at times. That there will be days when you lose all your shit and your patience is on breaking ice. However, it doesn’t matter how monstrous you have become in that short amount of time, there will be the same set of big eyes looking up at you. Sometimes with fear, hesitation, sadness or even confusion. And they just wait for you to de-escalate and say “I’m okay, We’re okay.” After feeling like shit for 2 days, I had to tell myself to let things go. That was the only way for me to clear my mind. To stop thinking about the what ifs, the bills, life and the future. I had one thing to do the next day and it was to capture the present and it’s company…which were my kids.
I am still learning. They are still learning. I had to say out loud to Ansen one morning, “Hey buddy. I’ve only known you for 3 years so bear with me okay?” So I guess I understand him a little better now when he throws a fit about sharing things with Payton because hey, they too have only known each other for 14 months.
Above it all, the good days definitely outweigh things by one million. Such as when Ansen tells me I am his best friend or them giving me sloppy kisses and just crazily laughing at something absurd. I just need to tell myself this again when I become the big bad wolf.
And to end it with something Ansen said while I was continuously nagging him to share. Seriously he said this word for word and I just LOL’ed immediately:
“Oh my gosh! You are sooooo mad.”